[NTLUG:Discuss] [JOKE] "Who's on First?"

[David Simmons]

Here is the 22nd Century Version of Abbot and Costello's famous "Who's On
First..." Routine

   ABBOT: Computer Support Group.  Can I help you?

   COSTELLO: Thanks.  I'm setting up a home office in the den, and I'm
   thinking of buying a computer.

   ABBOT: Mac?

   COSTELLO: No, the name is Lou.

   ABBOT: Your computer?

   COSTELLO:  I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

   ABBOT:  Mac?

   COSTELLO:  I told you, my name is Lou.

   ABBOT:  What about Windows?

   COSTELLO:  Why? Does it get stuffy?

   ABBOT:  Do you want a computer with Windows?

   COSTELLO:  I don't know. What do I see when I look out the windows?

   ABBOT:  Wallpaper.

   COSTELLO:  Never mind the windows.  I need a computer and software.

   ABBOT:  Software that runs on Windows?

   COSTELLO: No, on the computer!  I need something I can use to write
   proposals, track expenses. You know, run a business. What have you got?

   ABBOT: Office.

   COSTELLO:  Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

   ABBOT:  I just did.

   COSTELLO:  You just did what?

   ABBOT:  Recommended something.

   COSTELLO:  You recommended something?

   ABBOT:  Yes.

   COSTELLO:  For my office?

   ABBOT:  Yes.

   COSTELLO:  Okay, what did you recommend for my office?

   ABBOT:  Office.

   COSTELLO:  Yes, for my office.

   ABBOT:  Office for Windows.

   COSTELLO:  I already have an office and it already has windows!
   Let's say I'm sitting at my computer, and I want to type a proposal.
   What do I need?

   ABBOT:  Word.

   COSTELLO:  If I'm writing a proposal, I'm going to need lots of words.
   But what program do I load?

   ABBOT:  Word.

   COSTELLO:  What word?

   ABBOT:  The Word in Office.

   COSTELLO:  The only word in office is office.

   ABBOT:  The Word in Office for Windows.

   COSTELLO:  Which word in "office for windows?"

   ABBOT:  The Word you get when you click the blue W.

   COSTELLO:  I'm going to click your big W if you don't give me
   a straight answer. Let's forget about words for a minute. What
   do I need if I want to watch a movie over the Internet?

   ABBOT:  RealOne.

   COSTELLO:  Maybe a real movie, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of
   your business.  But what do I need to watch it?

   ABBOT:  RealOne.

   COSTELLO: If it's a long movie I'll also want to watch reels two, three
   and four. Can I watch reel four?

   ABBOT:  Of course.

   COSTELLO: Great! With what?

   ABBOT:  RealOne.

   COSTELLO:  Okay, so I'm sitting at my computer and I want to watch a
   movie. What do I do?

   ABBOT:  You click the blue 1.

   COSTELLO:  I click the blue one what?

   ABBOT:  The blue 1.

   COSTELLO:  Is that different from the blue W?

   ABBOT:  Of course it is.  The blue 1 is RealOne. The blue W is Word.

   COSTELLO:  What word?

   ABBOT:  The Word in Office for Windows.

   COSTELLO: But there's three words in "office for windows!"

   ABBOT:  No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.

   COSTELLO:  It is?

   ABBOT:  Yes, although to be fair there aren't many other Words left. It
   pretty much wiped out all the other Words.

   COSTELLO:  And that word is the real one?

   ABBOT:  No. RealOne has nothing to do with Word. RealOne isn't even part
   of Office.

   COSTELLO:  Never mind; I don't want to get started with that
   again. But I also need something for bank accounts, loans, and
   so on. What do you have to help me track my money?

   ABBOT:  Money.

   COSTELLO:  That's right. What do you have?

   ABBOT:  Money.

   COSTELLO:  I need money to track my money?

   ABBOT:  No, not really. It comes bundled with your computer.

   COSTELLO:  What comes bundled with my computer?

   ABBOT:  Money.

   COSTELLO:  Money comes bundled with my computer?

   ABBOT:  Exactly. No extra charge.

   COSTELLO:  I get a bundle of money with my computer at no extra charge?
   How much money do I get?

   ABBOT:  Just one copy.

   COSTELLO:  I get a copy of money.  Isn't that illegal?

   ABBOT:  No. We have a license from Microsoft to make copies of Money.

   COSTELLO: Microsoft can license you to make money?

   ABBOT:  Why not? They own it.

   COSTELLO: Well, it's great that I'm going to get free money, but I'll
   still need to track it. Do you have anything for managing your money?

   ABBOT: Managing Your Money? That program disappeared years ago.

   COSTELLO: Well, what do you sell in its place?

   ABBOT:  Money.

   COSTELLO:  You sell money?

   ABBOT:  Of course. But if you buy a computer from us, you get it
   for free.

   COSTELLO: That's all very wonderful, but I'll be running a business.  Do
   you have any software for, you know, accounting?

   ABBOT:  Simply Accounting.

   COSTELLO:  Probably, but it might get a little complicated.

   ABBOT:  If you don't want Simply Accounting, you might try M.Y.O.B.

   COSTELLO:  M.Y.O.B.? What does that stand for?

   ABBOT:  Mind Your Own Business.

   COSTELLO:  I beg your pardon?

   ABBOT:  No, that would be I.B.Y.P.  I said M.Y.O.B.

   COSTELLO:  Look, I just need to do some accounting for my home business.
   You know--accounting? You do it with money.

   ABBOT:  Of course you can do accounting with Money. But you may
   need more.

   COSTELLO:  More money?

   ABBOT:  More than Money. Money can't do everything.

   COSTELLO:  I don't need a sermon! Okay, let's forget about money
   for the moment. I'm worried that my computer might....what's the
   word?  Crash. And if my computer crashes, what can I use to
   restore my data?

   ABBOT:  GoBack.

   COSTELLO:  Okay. I'm worried about my computer smashing and I need
   something to restore my data.  What do you recommend?

   ABBOT:  GoBack.

   COSTELLO:  How many times do I have to repeat myself?

   ABBOT:  I've never asked you to repeat yourself. All I said was GoBack.

   COSTELLO: How can I go back if I haven't even been anywhere? Okay,
   I'll go back. What do I need to write a proposal?

   ABBOT:  Word.

   COSTELLO: But I'll need lots of words to write a proposal.

   ABBOT: No, you only need one Word-the Word in Office for Windows.

   COSTELLO: But there's three words in...Oh, never mind.

   ABBOT:  Hello?  Hello?  Customers! Why do they always hang up on
   me? Oh, well.  Hello - Computer Support Group. Can I help you?